Talking to Our Teen About Sex

How do you talk about sex to a young teenager?

(this topic was part of our Marriage & Family Series, on 7-14-13)

Proverbs 22:6 - Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

Teach Proper Relationships from the Start

Scripture clearly tells us that the process of teaching proper relationships should start when children are young.  We can teach our kids appropriate relationships with the opposite gender right away.  For example, we might show that there is appropriate kisses, and in appropriate kisses.  We can also teach appropriate male female relationships by borrowing from nature.  We can show how birds always have one mommy and one daddy bird for life. 

Be the Example of Right Relationships

As parents, we need to purposefully display behavior that is appropriate.  Every time we interact with our spouse in a loving way, we are teaching kids about appropriate relationships, and how one should treat the other.  Our behavior with other people who are not our spouse is as equally important.  So model appropriate touch, conversation, respect, etc.  They will learn more from our modeling than from what we say (though both are important). 

Use Regular Opportunities

Opportunities can happen on the fly; in the car, around the dinner table, or even a comment you might make during a movie.  For instance, during wrestling time, my girls know there are areas of our bodies that I don’t touch them, and areas they don’t touch me.  When they are curious and test the boundaries of touch, we shouldn’t get angry with them, but rather just say that is ‘not okay’  (and remind them that no one should ever touch them in certain areas).

Plan Some Opportunities

Some conversations are best done purposefully and one-on-one.  They need a specific time planned without distraction.  Talk with your spouse and find a time to do that.  Perhaps go out on a one-one-one date with each of your kids to talk with them over ice cream. 

Teach Young, but be Age-Appropriate

When we teach about sex, detail is not necessary at first.  We need to teach our children that “Sex is something God created as an activity between only a husband and wife, that often produces babies.”  Tell them:  “God created sex to be only for marriage.”  It is important that we point out that it was God that made it this way—one man, with one woman, for one life time.  To break this is to disobey God. 

Create a Safe-zone feeling

You kids will decide early-on whether or not they will trust you with personal questions.  They will determine this by how well you answer their questions about anything.  Do you verbally warn them off, or do you welcome their questions?  You can also facilitate this by not looking uncomfortable when sex comes up.  Treat it as if it is normal and a beautiful thing.  Answer questions as directly as you can, without being inappropriate for their age.  No question should be rejected, though you may say “we should talk about that another time.”

With Teens, the direct approach is usually best

This is said often, but often we don’t practice it.  Go out on a “date” with one child/teen at a time, and have some topics / questions ready.  Most teens will roll their eyes or be comfortable at first.  One way to make conversations are more natural, is to bring up the topic with curiosity.  (Often the best way to bring up any conversation, is by asking for their opinion).  Ask them: “What do you think are the most commonly talked-about topics among teenagers.”  “Do you think teens talk about sex as much as rumor has it?”  “What do most teens think about sex?”  “What behavior do you think is appropriate for people who date?”  “What have you decided is appropriate for you?”