Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Union of Marriage

The Union of Marriage:  A Perfect Design—An Imperfect World
6-23-13

Introduction
The creation and design of marriage is an important topic for this generation, as it has been for every generation before.  Every study on families out there would agree that there has been an incredible breakdown of our families, especially in the US.  That breakdown of our families has led to the degrading of our nation—the loss of moral principals in all walks of life. 
For any young people approaching the age of marriage, as well as those already in that sacred union, it is important we understand God’s design.  And as we will see, God tells us, though not perfect, it IS possible to have a healthy family—and He tells us how to do it!

My Goal
My Goal is to paint a picture of a Biblical Family using God’s description in His Word.  Now, a warning as we go into this.  As we work through this, the point is NOT for you to think about your own up-bringing, OR to get overly focused on even your history in your own marriage.  In this case, it is less productive for you to focus on the past, than it is to seriously consider your future.  Instead, I want you to see the Biblically picture…AND THEN strive to align your marriage and life up to it.


Genesis 2:22-24
Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.  The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, ' for she was taken out of man."  For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

There are extremely important observations we should see in the above passage. 

Marriage is a Gift
There is an old joke:  God came to Adam one day and told him He wanted to offer him a perfect helpmate—one that would love him and respect him—one that would be his perfect helpmate and would complement his life in every way!  Adam loved the idea, but it sounded too good to be true.  “How much would it cost me, Lord?”
“Only an arm and a leg” God said. Adam thought for a moment and replied “How much can I get for a rib?”

The reality is, God DID offer to man the perfect gift—and she really could be all of those things.
She was designed to work in harmony with him.  Not to work against him OR in competition with him.  And Not to be dominated by him.  Rather she was to be a precious gift—one he would value

Marriage is Completion of a Design
God “designed” marriage—it was His purpose from the beginning to bring the man and woman together.  It is interesting to me to note that woman was “taken out of man.”  This coincides with God’s genetic design in our chromosomes.  Men’s chromosomes are  XY, and women’s genetically are XX.  God took out of man the genetic makeup (“X”) to create the woman.  Thus women are literally genetically “taken out of man.”  So, Men (in fun humor only) turn to your spouse, and say “you’re half the man I am.”

Now I know the jokes:  “Why did God create women? ...Even God needs a rough draft.” I know this is only a joke, but we need to recognize that it not only suggests a terrible understanding of God, but also a terrible picture of what the man and women’s relationship was to be.  Rather, BOTH men and women need to see each other as built to complement each other!!  We should see the woman as the perfect HELPMATE designed by God. 

So the man declared in vs.23:  “This is now bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh.”  When Jesus uses this passage in Matthew 19:6, and Mark 10:8, he adds to the statement with: “So they are no longer two, but one.  Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."  What a descriptive picture—they are no longer two but one flesh!  Do we feel the weight of that description?

This precious relationship is symbolized by the lighting of the unity candles at a wedding.  Two separate candles symbolizing two separate lives, now become one life—one flesh—when they light one unity candle.  Then the two separate candles are extinguished!
Today the lighting of the unity candles is under attack.  More and more people are not extinguishing their own candles after they light the unity candle.  The only real reasons to do this is selfishness OR expectation of divorce.  Some have suggested “They still have their own spiritual journeys…they are still individuals before God.” Yes, that is true, but their spiritual journeys are NO longer to ever be apart from each other.  Perhaps the picture of two long twisted candles together is a better picture—two separate lights, but they cannot be taken apart without serious damage. 

This picture God gives us of marriage being “one flesh” is still true today!  Some have suggested that this picture was only for a perfect world in Genesis, before the fall, and thus not really for us today.  However Jesus uses it in the Gospels as still the picture that we were meant to be in our marriages today!

In Marriage, the two are to become one flesh – they are that close and intimate!  This is referring to sexual intimacy, as well as emotional intimacy.  Unfortunately this is not the picture we see today of relationships in which they date for a little while, have sex, and then move on to another partner.

Marriage is Strength
Remember, man in Genesis was been given a responsibility from God.  Adam was told to take care of the garden.  God saw that he was lonely, and that he needed a partner, so he could do even MORE amazing things in his life.  We need to hold fast to our spouse because they make us better!  It is the idea of adding strength to one piece of metal, by welding it to another.  Both pieces benefit!

Now, there are some situations being single has some advantages, and the scriptures talk about being single as an opportunity to serve God.  But in most places in life, two are better than one.  Marriage is a spiritually strengthening thing!  My wife’s strengths benefit me, and mine are to benefit her.  Both husband and wife should be seeking to bring benefit and to derive benefit.  The God designated roles in marriage (which we will talk about next week) has everything to do with the mutual beneficial of the partnership.

Marriage Marks a New Life / Purpose
The man’s response to this gift:  “She is now a part of me!”  She was designed for him to join him in the work he is to do.  And he no longer is a part of his family.  Vs. 24 “For this reason a husband will leave father and mother and be united to his wife.”  This does NOT mean he must join the wife’s family (though it was common in scripture).  Rather it simply means his responsibilities are now elsewhere.

Husband and Wife are now unified in their purpose for God—for God’s purposes and Glory…NOT for themselves.  When my wife and I got married, we both had to recognize that some of our previous goals now had to be set aside for the mutual benefit of our family.  If we don’t recognize this, our pursuits will only tear us apart. 

Marriage is now a Testimony of God’s Goodness and Faithfulness
The unity of a Husband and Wife is to reflect the wisdom and brilliance for God’s design in their marriage.  Their commitment and faithfulness is to reflect that of God.  Marriage is purposefully patterned after God’s faithful covenant love to His people, the Church.  Christ will never, never, never forsake his bride.  He protects her, died for her, cares for her, provides for her, and amazingly he delights in her!  Marriage is a testimony of that Grace and forgiveness.  Your marriage exists for God, for his purpose and glory, but reflecting his design, by an example of his covenant and design.


The Breaking of Unity—Divorce
Unfortunately, the natural question to follow is:  is there any reason this union should ever be broken?
I hate to need to talk about this, but there is more in scripture about divorce than there is about marriage.

Matthew 19:1-9
When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan.  2 Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.   3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”  
4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’  5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?  6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
7 “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”  
8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.  9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Divorce is a huge issue today!  More than 50% of marriages end in divorce.  How does God feel about divorce?  Malachi 2:16: “I hate divorce, says the LORD God of Israel.”

I want to be careful saying this, but if you hear me out, I think you would agree: ‘All Divorce is against God’s will.’ ‘All Divorce is outside of God’s perfect plan for us.’ And no one would really disagree with me:  Who would say on their wedding day “Gee, I hope this marriage ends in a divorce”—unless you are just in it for the money.
Otherwise, no one who marries wants a divorce.  THUS divorce is against their will for their life as well.  God doesn’t want your marriage to end in divorce—it is against His perfect plan for you.  Why?  Because divorce is like ripping flesh.  If we are meant to be “one flesh” than how can we expect to walk away and not be torn to pieces.  Marriage was meant to be binding and permanent—‘Til Death do we part.’

Are there allowances for divorce in God’s eyes?
Yes, but please note this:  I think scripture shows allowances are “lesser of two evils.”  I don’t want to ever hear from anyone “It is God’s will that I divorce them.”  Jesus is expressing in this passage: That is never true!

God knew that bringing sinful and selfish human beings together, would result in divorce from time to time.  Thus he gave His people commands in the Old Testament, in order to protect the wife and children.  Jesus is saying these allowances were “allowed” NOT because it was God’s will, but that He understood the depravity of the human heart.  The allowances were because human hearts were hard!

Divorced people typically get a “I was right—they were wrong” attitude!  Instead a biblical attitude should be that of sorrow and regret that they were as a couple too weak to make the right decisions through the marriage, and strong enough to stay with the spouse through “the worst of times.”

The One Allowance Jesus made in this passage was for “marital unfaithfulness.”  Some would like to interpret this as any time of ‘emotional abandonment’ or even “mental adultery.”  But I don’t think Jesus was being vague.  When considering the law that Jesus was referring to, he was suggesting the allowance was only for physical adultery.  There is something SO personal about physical adultery.

Imagine a pure person, whose spouse has an adulterous relationship.  Jesus understood that that person might never be able to resolve that in their head.  That “one flesh” has been damaged in a major way.  AND we just read last week (1 Cor. 7:1-5) that it was a command that we not withhold sexual intimacy from our spouse.  Thus Jesus was allowing for that scenario.  HOWEVER:  He is saying that this is an allowance, and not necessarily the ‘best thing to do.’  If my spouse has an adulterous relationship, it does not mean I should automatically divorce her.  The church was to ‘allow’ it because the personal betrayal is understandable.  But that does not mean it is best for YOU or the KIDS.

The whole story of Hosea, and his wife Gomer, is a perfect example of what perfect love is:  to love through all sin and betrayal.  THIS is the perfect picture of God’s love for us!  I have always been impressed with those who can stay married to their spouse after adultery—it is a perfect testimony of their love and humility! 


1 Corinthians 7:10-15
10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. 12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.

The basic idea:  A wife must not separate from her husband.  Why?  Because it represents God’s forgiveness and restoration.  She might win her husband back to Christ with her patience and fortitude—that’s true humility!  And this is definitely true, men, if the situation is reversed. 
But if she does divorce…if the husband does something that is so repulsive that she just can’t get herself to stay with him, than she may separate from him, but then remain unmarried.  The whole point is that if you ever separate from your spouse, you do so with the whole goal of one day reuniting with them!  Whoa, does that go against our secular, and even modern-Christian thinking.

This passage also gives a second “allowance” for divorce.  The Bible is clear that if we are a Christian, we are NEVER to marry a non-Christian, or EVEN someone who does not hold their faith as a priority.  BUT, if you are already married to a non-believer, we are to remain with that non-believer if they are willing to stay together.  If they say “No, I want out”, then we are to let them.  I DO believe, by the way, that God allows remarriage for these situations.

One more thing important to note:  Women initiate divorce 2 out of 3 times.  Yes, this is definitely influenced by men’s loose lifestyles and their willingness to engage in sin (that’s another whole message!)  BUT it also shows that woman have adopted the “I deserve more” attitude, instead of humbling themselves before the Lord, and saying “For your glory, I will overcome this obstacle—I will do my best to win my husband back to you!”

There are a lot of Myths about Divorce:

  • People feel that because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages.  But this is False – the divorce rate is even higher on subsequent marriages.
  • Some think living together before marriage reduces the chances of divorce.  But the reality is those willing to live together, are also those more likely to choose divorce.
  • Some think Children do not have long lasting emotional repercussions from Divorce—OR even that when parents don’t get along, the children are better off with divorced parents than fighting parents.  But studies have shown that most kids have far MORE emotional repercussions from the divorce, then just staying with parents who argue regularly.  Kids of divorced parents don’t learn from it—rather they are twice as likely to divorce themselves!   


God’s Picture of a Family is Best
We must understand the impact of what this is saying:  To deviate from God’s plan will only lead to MORE hurt
In most cases divorce is extremely selfish—the self is more important than the other person or the kidsJesus told us that there was no greater love than the one who laid down their life for a friend—to divorce is to say “my happiness is more important.”  We need to make the choice RIGHT NOW that marriage is forever no matter what!  If you go into marriage with even the slightest possibility of divorce, it will happen!  You will no doubt have the best AND worst of times in marriage.  Expect it and prepare your mind for it. 

Remember, the goal is to go from here forward, aligning our life up with the scriptures.  For those on their second or third marriage, don’t divorce them to go to your original spouse--instead stay true to them.  Please choose now to say that I will keep that promise I make to my spouse “to love and to hold, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do we part.” 

Treasure God’s picture of a family!  See it as a gift and God’s blessing in your life.  Is our concept of our marriage based off our Spouse as an incredible gift?  If so, then when troubles arise there will be plenty of room for one another even when we mess up.  We will be able to Forgive and forbear with each other We will be grateful for one another. Our focus will NOT be on communicating our disappointment when our expectations are not met, rather a flowing of the gratitude of God.


Strive to say:  “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”    Joshua 24:13b

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Desiring Your Spouse

6-16-13

Introduction to the Series
Today we are beginning a five-part Series on a “Biblical Marriage & Family.”
I encourage all of you concerning this series:
  • Listen to all of them …in person or online.
  • Talk about all of them with your spouse. Even if it is as simple as: “What did you think about the message?” “What caught your attention the most?”
  • Have SOME sort of response . The goal is to make some positive change in your life or marriage!
  • Fight the urge to say: oh, that doesn’t apply to me . Please know that I acknowledge that there is no way I can say what is perfectly needed for each marriage. But I DO know that the scriptures have all we need to know in order to have healthy marriages. Instead, ask the Holy Spirit, “Is my lifestyle and marriage in line with Your Word?
  • Lastly, and most importantly, know that Christ is still the answer! I have a lot of great ideas to give you, but nothing I will say will help or save your marriage apart from Christ. Nothing you can “do” in your marriage will ever work apart from YOUR personal relationship with Christ!
Introduction Today
In this series, I want to start with the idea of “Desiring your spouse.” That desire for each other is what starts off a marriage, that leads to a life-long relationship, that leads to a family…. Thus it makes sense that the beautiful picture of a loving and romantic relationship is a great place to start!
The Problem
Romantic comedies are really popular today. But frankly most of them should be repulsive to the lifestyle-believer! I remember going to see “You’ve Got Mail” years ago in the theater. I don’t know why I was particularly sensitive at the time, but I was very put off by the movie. The whole story line is about two couples just living with their partners, and all the while falling in love with someone else. What is so funny about that?! Our society, and even often our “Christian culture” does not understand what the loving marital relationship was meant to be. The first step is to recognize that!

Let’s go to Song of Solomon (sometimes called Song of Songs) 1:1-11.
This is a great book on the ‘romantic relationship formation’. The poetry takes the form of a dialogue between a husband and his wife. In a sense we are reading a very intimate and personal journal between Solomon and his wife.
One key Phrase of the book, is actually stated 3 times: 2:7; 3:5; 8:4 - “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” In other words, romantic love is real, and it is important, so important we should wait for it, and then when it comes, we should cherish it! But it also shows love as a “desire” that we were meant to have!
The book starts off in a courting relationship, but gives us more about our romantic relationship with our spouse than any other passage. I want to challenge you to see how the Holy Spirit can make new AND older marriages into the passionate relationships they were intended to be.
Please Note: We are going to take this book literally. …

  • Yes, we can see some similarities in the book with Christ’s love for His bride—the church
  • BUT, it was intended to be an account of marriage—about the love between a man and a women
  • It makes sense to dedicate a whole book to this, sense marriage was meant to be God’s primary institution for mankind. 

1 Solomon's Song of Songs.
Beloved
2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth-- for your love is more delightful than wine. 3 Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the maidens love you!
Friends
4 Take me away with you--let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers. We rejoice and delight in you; we will praise your love more than wine. How right they are to adore you!
*Beloved
5 Dark am I, yet lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, dark like the tents of Kedar, like the tent curtains of Solomon. 6 Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun. My mother's sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I have neglected. 7 Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday. Why should I be like a veiled woman beside the flocks of your friends?
*Friends
8 If you do not know, most beautiful of women, follow the tracks of the sheep and graze your young goats by the tents of the shepherds.
Lover
9 I liken you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh. 10 Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels. 11 We will make you earrings of gold, studded with silver.

Let’s talk about just a few things we get out of this Passage about Desire for a Spouse.

1. Love is Intoxicating
In verse 2 she says “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine.” In other words love is intoxicating! She yearns to have intimacy with him. It is something we naturally desire, and can make us feel like nothing else can! The romantic and intimate desire is good! I use to think only blind love, or even Lust, was intoxicating…but I was wrong! This romantic love is powerful and important.
In 8:6-7, it says “Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.” 

2. True Love is Exclusive
In our society, it needs to be pointed out that this passage is ‘one for one.’ One woman, and one man, who desire each other for one lifetime. Desire says “I want you”—exclusivity says, “I want only you.” We have heard the phrase “I have eyes only for you”—It should be true!
That “unique value” that only one person should have in our eyes is what increases our desire for them, when we can say only they will satisfy my romantic desire.
Proverbs 5:18-19 says, May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.” We were meant to romantically love that one person forever! 

3. Insecurity Threatens Exclusivity
In verse 5, ‘the Beloved’ lady says “Dark I am but lovely, oh daughters of Jerusalem…” She wants him to love her despite her short-comings. We all have insecurities, but especially women. For example, notice what happens when someone brings out a camera. The young men often jump up and flex their muscles, while the women usually turn “Oh, I didn’t put on all of my makeup today!” So what is Exclusivities’ response to Insecurity? 

4. Exclusivity Focuses their Love with Affirmation
To fight insecurity in both spouses, we need to regularly affirm them! Solomon in the passage compares his wife to the beauty of horses. Now men, I don’t suggest you go home and write a card or poem comparing your wife to a horse! But in that time, and in that context it was an expression of importance. The leader’s horse would be a white mayer, and that mayor’s beauty would stand out. It would show exclusivity to the leader.

Men, WE need to SET the standard of beauty in our home: It should be our wife! Do we praise her in private AND in public? My wife and I just had our 8 th anniversary. I made a list of some of the things I loved about her. For instance, I love her adventurous culinary spirit; I love how she loves our son…and wants him to be all boy (even with two older very girly sisters); and I love how she takes our girls on adventures, without leaving the house. I want everyone to know And guys, Remember, It’s not just the words we say, but how we say it

What about you women, do we praise our men in public? Instead of perhaps telling your girlfriends what annoys you about him, do you instead praise him and his efforts?
Solomon doesn’t stop with words; he starts making her things, buying her things. We need to know our spouses languages of love, AND their struggles


There are numerous other truths that come out through books such as this, which are important to understand in a healthy relationship. What I want to focus the rest of our time on is this truth:
Men are meant to Initiate, Women to Respond.
Read that again. Men are meant to Initiate…Women are meant to respond. We were created that way. But it has become backwards in our society. I see dating relationships where the whole time the women is initiating, asking him out on dates, etc. This thinking has a major part to play in the malfunction of our intimacy.

Often in marriages, it gets to the point when both people are waiting for the other to initiate intimacy…and thus intimacy is almost non-existent. Either that or it or the Initiate/Respond pattern is backwards. How does this happen? First of all, Society teaches it! Movies, books, and most of the women’s rights movements tell women “Women, you are powerful and should make sure you man knows it.” Or that “Women should be in charge of the relationship building too!” Please recognize this lie and guard from it in our hearts.

Secondly this confusion happens because men don’t actually initiate intimacy emotionally BEFORE they initiate it physically. And Thirdly, it comes when HE strives to initiate it, and the woman doesn’t respond.



So I want to ask the question, how can we be “Initiating Men” and “Responding Women”?
Let me ask you, what in your life do you love to learn about? A Sports team, a leisure sport, wood working, video games, computer technology, the news, etc. We often look forward to any opportunity we get to learn. But there are other things in life we are not so keen to learn about, but we do anyway—maybe something for work…or fixing something at home…

What is the difference? Passion! We have a passion for some things, and not for others.
Men, when we date, that woman typically becomes a primary passion in our lives! We might even miss a big game, or sleep, just to spend more time with her. But then of course, we get married. We’ve won the prize—and we forget where our passions still need to lie.

First of all, let me say that God needs to be your primary passion in life—only HE can truly be your soul-mate. But he has given us the “gift” of a spouse. We are now to be “one flesh.”


Thus our passion second other to God clearly needs to be our spouse . What would other people say if they were asked what your top passions were? Without prompting would they say your spouse is at the top of the list?


Our spouses should top even our kids when it comes to passion in our lives! I love my girls, but if I don’t love Megan more, I am not loving my kids enough! Women, this is especially true for you—if you don’t love your husband more than them, you are not loving them enough).
Women, ask yourself this: do you feel more like a mother or a wife? I challenge you that the bible directs us to put our spouse first—not to neglect our kids, but rather as the way to love them the most! Men, your wife’s response to that question is partly to do with her, and MUCH to do with your treatment of her.

Initiating Men
Guys, how can we be “Initiating Men”? A woman likes AND needs to be wanted and desired. When you Desire her and pursue her, it makes her feel sexy and attractive
Men, there is one major truth we need to have branded on our hearts:
In order for romance to grow in our marriage, we must seek to touch her heart and mind before we touch her body.
Let that sink in. This can be our biggest challenge in marriage. We need to know that nothing kindles erotic romance in a marriage like a husband who truly knows and loves his wife and prioritizes that before touching her.

How do we do this? First, we must admit, that whether we have been married for 1 year or 50 years, there is much we can learn about our spouse. My dad once said: “I have been married to many women over the years…all of them named Crystal.” Men, let’s accept the fact, and even celebrate it, that our wives will change—their passions will even constantly change. We must never get tired of learning about her!
I once heard that as a husband our job is to be a Student and a Planner.

We are always to be Student of our wife. Ask yourself if you know about your wife in all areas of her life? Could you speak intelligently about her desires concerning:

  • clothing styles, sizes, and stores
  • movies, books, and magazines
  • exercise goals
  • the arts and entertainment
  • sports she does and does not enjoy
  • food likes and aversions
  • vacations and places she wants to see
  • music
  • intellectual interests
  • hobbies
  • and, of course, sex

But MORE even than that: Do you know how your wife is doing in her:

  • practice of the spiritual disciplines
  • understanding of theological knowledge (God)
  • growth in godliness
  • spiritual gifts that can be used to serve others
  • involvement in the local church
  • her relationship with each of her children
  • her relationship with parents and in-laws
  • her relationship with friends
  • personal retreats
  • her hopes and dreams
  • her fears and personal disappointments
  • her temptations

Whoa, Eric, that is asking a lot! Yes it is. It is a challenge for all of us for a lifetime!
It shows that we need to focus on paying attention to her regularly. We so easily zone out, but make it a point to listen attentively.
Along with this, are you keeping your eyes open for ways you can help in any of these areas…places where you can take her...conversations she would enjoy….
Thus, secondly as husbands, not only do we need to be students of our wives, but we need to be Planners in our marriage. This is where most husbands fail. Once we have learned about them, do we put that info to practice? This knowledge should affect everything from where we decide to go to dinner to what conversations you pursue when together

  • From encouraging her walk with God, to doing what we can to ease her fears, disappointments, and temptations.
  • Romance occurs when What you know about your wife is specifically Applied!!
  • It can be big things, but often it is the little stuff that matters!
  • Compliment her on how she looks at random times
  • Ask her if there's anything you could do for her (dishes, trash…)
  • Bring her flowers out of the blue
  • Take her someplace new

Husbands, I challenge you: Each week we should try to plan 3-5 specific things to romance her. This can be serving her in some way, talking about something she wants to talk about, or taking her to do something she enjoys. It can be as simple as flowers or a personal note, to plans for a date or vacation.


Responding Women
It makes sense, then, when Men initiate, Women need to respond. Now, the men need to initiate whether or not the women responds…BUT women, let me tell, you…there is nothing that will discourage your man from initiating ever again, as when you refuse to respond. Women, there is nothing more intimidating that trying to warm of a brick of ice…

1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (my underlining)
Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife,and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

First of all, we see in this passage that we are once again given the design for marriage: 
One man, One woman, One lifetime.

Secondly, even Paul recognized that the sexual union isn’t just “bonus” to a marriage, it is imperative! It is our marital “duty” to each other. Oh my does that make some women mad. “It is my ‘duty’ to have sexual intimacy with my husband?!” Yes! It is a part of the complete marriage picture God created, AS well as meeting a need that men have—a need that if not met, can tempt a man to sinfully seek that need elsewhere.

Thirdly God intended us to enjoy one another! Guys, it is natural for us to enjoy our woman. (It is Satan’s perversion that can steer this desire away from our spouse.) Women…you also were meant to enjoy your spouse. From what I hear, many women don’t believe it. A women’s speaker I heard once, explained how when she brings up the topic to women of ‘enjoying your husband sexually’ she get mixed responses, from giggles to outright distain. Some wives see sexual intimacy as just a chore to do, and others see it as yet another time when she feels only treated like an object…and understandably so. But it can’t be an excuse.

Women, you need to believe that God meant us to have a strong sexual union AND enjoyment! IF you don’t believe it, it will only destroy your relationship with your Husband—and that is exactly what Satan wants.

I am not ashamed to emphasis that BOTH men and women NEED the sexual union, but yes, especially guys need it! Women, there is a word picture that can help you better understand your husband’s need (and I got this from that same woman speaker):

Imagine if your husband was your only source for physical food, which you of course not only Want, but you need. However, let’s say, every time you went to him for food he would reply, “Not now…I’m too tired…I have a headache…I don’t feel like it.” After a while your hunger would consume you, you would grow very bitter towards him, and eventually would go looking for food elsewhere.

Wives, do you really expect that if you keep him from an active sex life, that he will then just stay pure, and not desire it anymore? That is like men saying to wives, I know you need love and emotional stability, but I am not going to give it to you, but eventually you will get over it. Oh, and I expect of course you will also stay pure and not look for emotional love somewhere else.
Some women think of the sexual drive in men as so shallow. They see them as acting like animal or a machine. Would God really make a healthy Godly man to need physical contact so often? The answer is a resounding YES! The proof is in the 1 Corinthians passage above.

Sexually Regular Lives
SO, the question needs to be asked: How often should you be having sex? Stats do show us that the number of times per week goes down as you get old. But the stats don’t tell us why. Is it all due to a lack of desire...or lack of commitment to God’s commanded sexual union?
I remember hearing years ago how Dr. Dobson used to council couples that sexual intimacy should happen at least 2-3 times per week. And it is suggested that if it is not happening that often, something is wrong in your relationship. Many wives instantly kick back and say, “No, I don’t think that is true.”

Let me ask you women, how often do you think the ‘ideal husband’ should meet your emotional needs per week? How often should he show you he loves you? How often is healthy enough for you? Weekly? Daily? Women usually then respond “Well, I can show Love for him daily, in other ways OTHER than sex. And you are Very right, but the goal is to speak to him through his love language, NOT to dictate what that love language is. You wouldn’t want him doing that for you

So those 3-5 times a week you should seek to actively love him , give him options. Perhaps ask him, “Would you rather I sit and watch the game with you…or would you rather I slip on something sexy?” (To which your husband’s respond…BOTH!) And then I can just imagine the busy wives saying, “Would you rather me feed your children and clean your house…or have sex (as IF one excluded the other). To which the men reply… “I’ll bring home Chic-fil-a, and a movie from Red Box for the kids!”

Wives, for men it often seems so dishonorable to just come out and ask for sexual intimacy—as if they are asking for something unreasonable. Some finally get to the point in which they have to just come right out and ask for more, because they know they need it, and the wife isn’t getting it.

Do the honorable thing, wives: dare to ask your men how often they want (or need) sexual intimacy. If they honestly don’t want more, than that is fine. But ask them! Wives, you WANT your man to desire you. (If not, than there is something else wrong in your marriage.) Why do so many wives then discourage sex?

And PLEASE…don’t just go home and say, clearly Pastor Eric is addicted to sex! Many churches have done a 30-day Sex challenge—some sort of intimacy EVERY DAY! If you want to take up that challenge, than great!

Finally, here are just a few things in which you can Keep Our Romance Alive?
1. Keep dating! At least once a month. And remember that the little things matter (opening doors, looking directly into their eyes, leaving them notes before and after the date, etc.)
2. Make yourself attractive! Try to look good for your spouse. It’s not just for nothing. It can include big things like working out (try it together!), to little things like a touch of make-up, or not wearing those same old beaten up clothes around the house.
3. Keep learning about them! Learn their love language, and then speak it! And keep in mind the particulars may change from time to time.
4. Do things Daily! Once a month just won’t work…it’s got to be the little things every day!