Healthy Roles in Marriage

Healthy Roles in Marriage

6-30-13

Introduction

What roles do we have in our lives?  Specifically, what roles do we have in our home lives…our marriages?   I am a… Father/Mother, Husband/Wife, Encourager, Lover, etc.

It is important that we see our roles in marriage, and their importance.  We also need to see how our roles affect the roles of others—namely our spouse.

As husband and wife, we are meant to be a TEAM in our families.  Too often in our society, husband and wife are often set up as opponents.  We joke about it.  We see movies with one putting the other down verbally.  Our TV shows make men stupid, and women ruthless.

Instead we need to recognize how GOD Himself has designed the family to work, and make that our goal for our marriages.  Thus today we are going to take a look at Healthy Roles in Marriage.

Genesis 2:22-24

Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.  The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, ' for she was taken out of man."  For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

We made several observations about this passage last week.  Today we want to emphasize the roles shown.  We see the man was given a responsibility from God.  Adam was told to take care of the garden and the animals.  Man still has responsibilities today—we are to be growing the kingdom of God—and God has given man a helpmate to accomplish this alongside of him.  The Genesis picture of this partnership is still true today.  It was true before our fall into sin, and Jesus reused the passage to show it is true for our marriages today!

So what do our specific roles look like?  Two weeks ago, we started with the commands to men, and ended with what is said for women.  Today it is reversed, mostly because the scriptural passages start with commands to women. 

There are two major passages today.  We start in 1 Peter 3:1-6.  Peter, in the passage before this, has just finished talking about how we need to all be submissive to the government.  He then follows that line of thinking with the role of submission in a marriage.  Particularly, it looks like Peter is responding to a concern about what Christian wives should do, when their husband is a non-believer.  When the man accepts Christ first, the problem is minimal, because he would lead the family into what’s right; but what if the wife accepts Christ first?  Apparently Peter has heard a few accounts of this happening, and wanted to respond in his letter to them.

1 Peter 3:1-6

1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Wow, that passage contradicts 50 years of the liberal women’s movement.  Remember that our culture cannot correctly give you the proper role of men and women—That MUST come from scripture.  Peter here is giving the wife a strategy of how she can live in the home with an unbelieving husband, so that her witness will may one day win their husbands to Christ.  But in-so-doing he gives us a picture of the Christ-loving wife.

Commands to Wives 

So here are a Four commands to wives, mostly found here, but also in a few other passages:

1. She is to Value Inward Beauty over Outward Beauty

Vs. 3 says “Your beauty should not be outward, but inward.”  A women was designed by God to be beautiful, both on the outside, as well as on the inside.  But your beauty on the outside was meant to be natural—not your focus.  Rather your focus and time should be spent on your inner and spiritual health and beauty.  We forget that this inner beauty was meant to be part of her attraction!  Even, ultimately, in the secular world, a stupid or selfish woman is considered “unattractive.”

But Talking today about inward beauty is basically snubbed at.  People joke “Only ugly people talk about inward beauty.”  Rather, inner purity is “of great worth in God’s sight,” and should be of great worth for your husband as well. 

NOTE that Peter is NOT prohibiting women from wearing nice things.  Rather, he wants her to simply focus her attention on the inside.  It is the same idea of the “dirty Cup” that Jesus gives us in Matthew 23.  The Pharisees cleaned the outside of the cup—the part of their lives that people could see, but not the inside—their spiritual walk with God.

Peter is also telling them that if something is considered ‘rebellious’ or wrong in your society…then don’t do it!  It seems odd, but Peter is saying that in a few situations, our society has to do with what is considered right and wrong, even in God’s eyes.  Why?  Because God cares about our witness for His kingdom.  In this case, braided hair was done by the prostitutes, thus they should not braid their hair. 

Years ago at Moody Bible Institute, where I went to school, beards were not allowed.  But they are allowed now.  Is that because now we are not so stubbornly conservative today?  NO, it is because at one point beards were considered the rebellious thing to do.

What today might fall into that category?  This might not be popular, but I would caution away from Christians doing anything that is considered a popular fad.  Our goal is to be light to the world in all we do—and we can’t do that if we don’t look any different from the lives that contradict the Bible.

A woman is to focus on inner beauty.  So what is the inner-self to look like?

2. She is to Be a Wife of Noble Character

Verse 2 notes that husbands should “see the purity and reverence of your lives.”

Proverbs 31:10 - A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Proverbs 12:4 - A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.

Here Again, an inwardly pure wife is attractive!  Who wouldn’t want a wife that lives the way God asks in scripture?! 

A wife of noble character is one who:

·         …(as we were just saying) spends more time on the health of her heart, than the looks of her body.

·         …sees the values of scripture as more important in her life, than what the world sees.  She is not looking for what is popular, but what is true.

·         …sees loving her husband and spending time raising her children as more valuable than the outward approval of others (especially career success).

3. Thirdly, Wives are to be submissive to their husbands

The idea of submission makes some women mad!  It usually is due to the abuse of authority in their past lives.  Right away it needs to be said, that how people have behaved in your past cannot affect the truth of scripture.  If you are one that have had the abuse of leadership in your life…please know that there is healing from that.  You today have a choice to forgive everyone who ever wronged you, and to move forward in your relationships with men and with God unhindered. Remember we forgive everyone, because God has forgiven us!

Ephesians 5:22-24

22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Let’s look at some Facts about Submission:

First of all, we need to realize that EVERYONE Submits. 

Submission is a part of being a follower of Jesus Christ.  In 1 Peter 2 and Romans 13, We see we are ALL to submit to the governing authorizes.  In Hebrews 13:17, we see we are to submit to our church leaders—in order to make their job a joy and not a burden.  And In the home everyone submits as well:  children submits to parents, women to husband and to the Lord, and husbands to the Lord.

All Submission is First to the Lord.

Our ultimate authority is God, and His Word. If we are told by anyone (government, parent, husband, etc.) to do something that disagrees with scripture, we must instead obey scripture.  Also, we must listen to the Holy Spirit, but the Spirit will never give us a command to disobey an authority, that is not explicitly given directly in scripture.  So don’t say “the Holy Spirit told me to disobey” if it is not given in scripture.

Thus, Submission does not mean Replacing Christ with your Husband.  Our hope and strength will always be with Christ—never with a boy, or a man, or a parent…

Submission does not mean losing your individual Journey.  God works with all of us as individuals.  However, it does mean that our spiritual journey is now permanently united with our spouse.

Submission does not mean to avoid sharing Christ with your husband.  We are commanded to be that witness to our husbands, but it probably will mean our witness is more through loving actions than words

Submission does not mean lesser.

Submission in NO WAY suggests that women are less, or not equal to men.  That thinking is a deception by Satan and Women’s Rights activists.

1 Corinthians 11:3 - Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. 

Christ is equal to God, so woman is equal to man.  But EQUAL does NOT mean the same ROLES!  Even the different parts of the trinity who are equal, still have different roles.  This is a huge truth we need to recognize!

Wives are to submit to their Husbands

This does NOT mean all women should submit to all men.  If you are dating, you do not need to submit to him, however, if you find you CANT submit to him while dating, then don’t go on dating him.  Wives, once you are married, you don’t even submit to your parents, but rather now to your husband.  What does submission look like?

Submission means to Submit to the Final Decision

Husbands, we need to listen to the wisdom of our wives, and their input on all decisions.  But wives, understand that God has commanded the husband to make the final decision on all matters concerning your family; and God holds THEM accountable. 

God commands you to submit to the authority of your husbands, even if you disagree.  We don’t submit (to God or husbands) ‘when’ or ‘because’ we think they made a wise decision, but rather the text says “in everything”, because submitting to your husband is loving and submitting to the Lord!

Note that we are not even commanded to “compromise.” In most things, there is no way to really both have our way, of for both to have equal decision making ability.  It works in the leadership in a church to have equal Elders, because there are many of them.  But it does not work with only two people.  This does not mean you can’t ever express disagreement and discuss it as long as you do so with Respect (which by the way usually comes in private).  But once a decision is made, you need to honor it.

Submission means we need to constantly give our husbands the space and opportunity to serve and lead!

Submission to God means to allow Him to lead and care for you.  Submission to your husband is also to allow him to lead and care for you.  In many marriages, the husband has no room to lead.  She has controlled the family in every decision.  Rather, wives are to consult their husbands on every major decision, and allow them to lead. 

Submission affirms the leadership of the husband.  Most godly women WANT their man to take appropriate leadership in the Home!  Submission and respect to his decisions is how we can encourage him to be the leader he should be. 

Submission is to live with a “gentle and quiet spirit”

Would that phrase describe you, wives?  I have seen wives who “let their husband make the final decision” but they do not make it easy!  They manipulate, and loudly proclaim when they disagree, both to him, and to her friends!  Proverbs tells us it is better to live on the corner of your roof than with this woman.  (Today, this is equivalent to ‘sleeping on the couch’.)  Rather our words and actions should show simply that we will honor our husbands, just as we honor the Lord, especially when we disagree!

Wives RESPECT Your Husbands

Finally, the Ephesians 5 passage ends, as we will see shortly, telling Wives to RESPECT their husbands in vs. 33.  When asked, most women say they love their husbands.  But then if asked if they respect their husbands, many will say “Well no.  He hasn’t earned my respect.”  This is a complete contradiction to what she just said, AND what scripture says.  Respect is the same thing as love.  To love a man, is to respect who he is, and the role God has given him, NO MATTER who he is or what he does.  It is to honor him in front of others, and not to put him down.  It is to encourage him, and not to criticize him.

Commands to Husbands

1 Corinthians 11:3

“Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.”                    

Ephesians 5:22-33  (the bolding below is mine for emphasis)

22 “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

I truly believe Godly Families Flow through a godly man.  Men are meant to lead a family.  I believe the church needs to really focus on men and help them lead well.  If you want to change a marriage, change the man—and Jesus changes the man.

Men, we are usually driven by dreams.  We think of “what could be”…or about “winning the victory.”  It drove us to our first date.  It drives us on today.  But our dreams often become unhealthy, and stop being about following our Lord or taking care of our family.

Realize, Men, that the measure of a man is NOT measured by his mission or accomplishments, but rather by what God says about him.  When we base our Identity on performance, instead of God’s truth, we put ourselves in the center of our lives.  We need to refocus our eyes on HIM, and not earthly pursuits.  Our family IS to be one of our primary focuses in life!

But how do we see our family?  How do we see our responsibility as a family?

·         Some think: “Just keep going the way we are going and everything will be okay.”  They don’t see that we have to cultivate our marriage, or it will fall apart

·         Some think:  “I’ve already won my wife, now I have to find a new pursuit.” They believe the most exciting time is over.  They don’t believe that love (even sexual intimacy) was meant to get better as you grow together.

·         It is even dangerous to think:  “My walk with God is ‘just fine’.”  The most important thing you can do for your spouse is to cultivate your love for God—and we always need to be hungering to know Him MORE.  Realize, Men, that Only Jesus can actually change you!

Please keep in mind that it is an Honor to have a wife.  Proverbs 18:22 tells us that  “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.”  Genesis 2 and 1 Cor. 7:7  tells us that our wives are a gift directly from the Lord!

1. Men Are to Be Righteous

Proverbs 20:6-7 - Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?  The righteous man leads a blameless life; blessed are his children after him.

If we are not living righteously, it will strongly affect our family!  We cannot ‘sin in solitude.’  Your relationship with God and the decisions you make are directly reflected in the spiritual and emotional health of your family.

2. Men are to be the Head of the household

God has given men the task to lead their family . 

First it means we have a Responsibility to our Spouse / Family.  Take a look at this command God gave to His people in the Old Testament

Deuteronomy 24:5 - If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.

Now, this is not directly commanded of us today, but we need to ask what principal we are to get from this scripture.  Why was this commanded?  I think it is simply showing us that our family is meant to come first, above all other responsibilities. 

Secondly, to be the head of the family means that men are to make the final decisions for the family.  God holds YOU, men, responsible for decisions you make.  When you are single, you spend money for yourself.  You spend your time any way you want.  But when you are married, every dime or hour you spend should have your family in consideration.  We are NOT to dominate our families, but rather Love them whole-heartedly!

3. Men are Commanded to Love their Wives

The Bible never tells women to love their husbands, because it is natural.  Rather it tells them to respect their husbands (not so natural).  Husbands are commanded several times to love their wives!

How do we love them? 

We are to love them as our own Bodies.  They are now one flesh with us!  Take care of her as we would ourselves!

We are to love them as Christ loves the Church!  We are to sacrifice for them, as Christ sacrificed for the church.  We must protect her physically, which is very natural for us; but we also need to protect her purity—to help to keep her blameless.  This is to do what we can to keep her from sin.  Some say that Adam’s first failure was not to protect Eve from the serpent.

Men, as Christ listens to the prayers and desires of his body, the Church, so must we listen to the desires and thoughts of our wives.  Women have been given great wisdom and insight in many things.  Though men need to be constantly asking God for wisdom, God has given us a partner to help make those decisions

4. Men need to be Considerate of our Wives

1 Peter 3:1-7 - 7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

The husband is called to be the Considerate Leader of the home.  We are to live with her with knowledge…to know all about her, her fears, dreams, goals, etc.  In Colossians 3:19 we are commanded to not be “harsh” with her.  Men, you know that we can say things easily that pierce deep!  Guard yourself from cheap words to make a point or affirm your leadership. 

We commanded by God to “Treat her with respect as the weaker partner.”  In that statement, Peter is referring to physical strength as well as sometimes emotional strength.  Women were meant to be fragile—that is a part of her beauty.  Men, are we fostering that fragile beauty, or is the way we treat our wives making them into stone cold people, because of being verbally and emotionally beat up by us?  The submission of our wives is a vulnerable position.  Men, do not exploit that vulnerable position!

How do we live with her in a considerate way?  (here are just a few practical ways)

·         First of all, move beyond responding to our wives with facts and solutions, and rather listen to her heart! Ask her a lot of questions for greater understanding.

·         Show interest in her home.  I have made the mistake of not complementing a women’s home when I come to visit.  Ask yourself what comments you make about our wife’s home, cooking, parenting, etc.  Do they affirm her or put her down?

·         Show attention to what needs to be done—things that she has avoided.  We all avoid things that are not fun per say.  As a husband we can love her by seeing those things and taking care of them without her prompting!  

·         Stay engaged in the home.  Men are usually the last to know about many things.  Sometimes that is the wife’s fault, but the men also need to take responsibility to pay attention.

·         Take the initiative in dating!  Don’t just make it her responsibility to find a place to go, but rather take the initiative to show you still want to ‘wow’ her.

·         Ask your family how I can pray for you?!  Ask your wife and your kids how you can be praying for them, and then do it!

Finally, men, let me say this:  We were meant to guard our marriage.  Guard yourselves, because you sin affects your families in a major way!  Guard your wife so she will flourish!  Guard your kids (next week’s message) so they will grow to love the Lord. 

Stay first and foremost committed to your family.  A committed husband is one who “isn’t going anywhere.”  He is staying true to his wife, and lives as he is in for the long haul, until he sees the Lord face to face, and hears the words “Well done, good and faithful servant.”