The Union of Marriage

The Union of Marriage:  A Perfect Design—An Imperfect World

6-23-13

Introduction

The creation and design of marriage is an important topic for this generation, as it has been for every generation before.  Every study on families out there would agree that there has been an incredible breakdown of our families, especially in the US.  That breakdown of our families has led to the degrading of our nation—the loss of moral principals in all walks of life. 

For any young people approaching the age of marriage, as well as those already in that sacred union, it is important we understand God’s design.  And as we will see, God tells us, though not perfect, it IS possible to have a healthy family—and He tells us how to do it!

My Goal

My Goal is to paint a picture of a Biblical Family using God’s description in His Word.  Now, a warning as we go into this.  As we work through this, the point is NOT for you to think about your own up-bringing, OR to get overly focused on even your history in your own marriage.  In this case, it is less productive for you to focus on the past, than it is to seriously consider your future.  Instead, I want you to see the Biblically picture…AND THEN strive to align your marriage and life up to it.

Genesis 2:22-24

Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.  The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, ' for she was taken out of man."  For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

There are extremely important observations we should see in the above passage. 

Marriage is a Gift

There is an old joke:  God came to Adam one day and told him He wanted to offer him a perfect helpmate—one that would love him and respect him—one that would be his perfect helpmate and would complement his life in every way!  Adam loved the idea, but it sounded too good to be true.  “How much would it cost me, Lord?”

“Only an arm and a leg” God said. Adam thought for a moment and replied “How much can I get for a rib?”

The reality is, God DID offer to man the perfect gift—and she really could be all of those things.

She was designed to work in harmony with him.  Not to work against him OR in competition with him.  And Not to be dominated by him.  Rather she was to be a precious gift—one he would value

Marriage is Completion of a Design

God “designed” marriage—it was His purpose from the beginning to bring the man and woman together.  It is interesting to me to note that woman was “taken out of man.”  This coincides with God’s genetic design in our chromosomes.  Men’s chromosomes are  XY, and women’s genetically are XX.  God took out of man the genetic makeup (“X”) to create the woman.  Thus women are literally genetically “taken out of man.”  So, Men (in fun humor only) turn to your spouse, and say “you’re half the man I am.”

Now I know the jokes:  “Why did God create women? ...Even God needs a rough draft.” I know this is only a joke, but we need to recognize that it not only suggests a terrible understanding of God, but also a terrible picture of what the man and women’s relationship was to be.  Rather, BOTH men and women need to see each other as built to complement each other!!  We should see the woman as the perfect HELPMATE designed by God. 

So the man declared in vs.23:  “This is now bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh.”  When Jesus uses this passage in Matthew 19:6, and Mark 10:8, he adds to the statement with: “So they are no longer two, but one.  Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."  What a descriptive picture—they are no longer two but one flesh!  Do we feel the weight of that description?

This precious relationship is symbolized by the lighting of the unity candles at a wedding.  Two separate candles symbolizing two separate lives, now become one life—one flesh—when they light one unity candle.  Then the two separate candles are extinguished!

Today the lighting of the unity candles is under attack.  More and more people are not extinguishing their own candles after they light the unity candle.  The only real reasons to do this is selfishness OR expectation of divorce.  Some have suggested “They still have their own spiritual journeys…they are still individuals before God.” Yes, that is true, but their spiritual journeys are NO longer to ever be apart from each other.  Perhaps the picture of two long twisted candles together is a better picture—two separate lights, but they cannot be taken apart without serious damage. 

This picture God gives us of marriage being “one flesh” is still true today!  Some have suggested that this picture was only for a perfect world in Genesis, before the fall, and thus not really for us today.  However Jesus uses it in the Gospels as still the picture that we were meant to be in our marriages today!

In Marriage, the two are to become one flesh – they are that close and intimate!  This is referring to sexual intimacy, as well as emotional intimacy.  Unfortunately this is not the picture we see today of relationships in which they date for a little while, have sex, and then move on to another partner.

Marriage is Strength

Remember, man in Genesis was been given a responsibility from God.  Adam was told to take care of the garden.  God saw that he was lonely, and that he needed a partner, so he could do even MORE amazing things in his life.  We need to hold fast to our spouse because they make us better!  It is the idea of adding strength to one piece of metal, by welding it to another.  Both pieces benefit!

Now, there are some situations being single has some advantages, and the scriptures talk about being single as an opportunity to serve God.  But in most places in life, two are better than one.  Marriage is a spiritually strengthening thing!  My wife’s strengths benefit me, and mine are to benefit her.  Both husband and wife should be seeking to bring benefit and to derive benefit.  The God designated roles in marriage (which we will talk about next week) has everything to do with the mutual beneficial of the partnership.

Marriage Marks a New Life / Purpose

The man’s response to this gift:  “She is now a part of me!”  She was designed for him to join him in the work he is to do.  And he no longer is a part of his family.  Vs. 24 “For this reason a husband will leave father and mother and be united to his wife.”  This does NOT mean he must join the wife’s family (though it was common in scripture).  Rather it simply means his responsibilities are now elsewhere.

Husband and Wife are now unified in their purpose for God—for God’s purposes and Glory…NOT for themselves.  When my wife and I got married, we both had to recognize that some of our previous goals now had to be set aside for the mutual benefit of our family.  If we don’t recognize this, our pursuits will only tear us apart. 

Marriage is now a Testimony of God’s Goodness and Faithfulness

The unity of a Husband and Wife is to reflect the wisdom and brilliance for God’s design in their marriage.  Their commitment and faithfulness is to reflect that of God.  Marriage is purposefully patterned after God’s faithful covenant love to His people, the Church.  Christ will never, never, never forsake his bride.  He protects her, died for her, cares for her, provides for her, and amazingly he delights in her!  Marriage is a testimony of that Grace and forgiveness.  Your marriage exists for God, for his purpose and glory, but reflecting his design, by an example of his covenant and design.

The Breaking of Unity—Divorce

Unfortunately, the natural question to follow is:  is there any reason this union should ever be broken?

I hate to need to talk about this, but there is more in scripture about divorce than there is about marriage.

Matthew 19:1-9

When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan.  2 Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.   3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”  
4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’  5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?  6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

7 “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”  
8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.  9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Divorce is a huge issue today!  More than 50% of marriages end in divorce.  How does God feel about divorce?  Malachi 2:16: “I hate divorce, says the LORD God of Israel.”

I want to be careful saying this, but if you hear me out, I think you would agree: ‘All Divorce is against God’s will.’ ‘All Divorce is outside of God’s perfect plan for us.’ And no one would really disagree with me:  Who would say on their wedding day “Gee, I hope this marriage ends in a divorce”—unless you are just in it for the money.

Otherwise, no one who marries wants a divorce.  THUS divorce is against their will for their life as well.  God doesn’t want your marriage to end in divorce—it is against His perfect plan for you.  Why?  Because divorce is like ripping flesh.  If we are meant to be “one flesh” than how can we expect to walk away and not be torn to pieces.  Marriage was meant to be binding and permanent—‘Til Death do we part.’

Are there allowances for divorce in God’s eyes?

Yes, but please note this:  I think scripture shows allowances are “lesser of two evils.”  I don’t want to ever hear from anyone “It is God’s will that I divorce them.”  Jesus is expressing in this passage: That is never true!

God knew that bringing sinful and selfish human beings together, would result in divorce from time to time.  Thus he gave His people commands in the Old Testament, in order to protect the wife and children.  Jesus is saying these allowances were “allowed” NOT because it was God’s will, but that He understood the depravity of the human heart.  The allowances were because human hearts were hard!

Divorced people typically get a “I was right—they were wrong” attitude!  Instead a biblical attitude should be that of sorrow and regret that they were as a couple too weak to make the right decisions through the marriage, and strong enough to stay with the spouse through “the worst of times.”

The One Allowance Jesus made in this passage was for “marital unfaithfulness.”  Some would like to interpret this as any time of ‘emotional abandonment’ or even “mental adultery.”  But I don’t think Jesus was being vague.  When considering the law that Jesus was referring to, he was suggesting the allowance was only for physical adultery.  There is something SO personal about physical adultery.

Imagine a pure person, whose spouse has an adulterous relationship.  Jesus understood that that person might never be able to resolve that in their head.  That “one flesh” has been damaged in a major way.  AND we just read last week (1 Cor. 7:1-5) that it was a command that we not withhold sexual intimacy from our spouse.  Thus Jesus was allowing for that scenario.  HOWEVER:  He is saying that this is an allowance, and not necessarily the ‘best thing to do.’  If my spouse has an adulterous relationship, it does not mean I should automatically divorce her.  The church was to ‘allow’ it because the personal betrayal is understandable.  But that does not mean it is best for YOU or the KIDS.

The whole story of Hosea, and his wife Gomer, is a perfect example of what perfect love is:  to love through all sin and betrayal.  THIS is the perfect picture of God’s love for us!  I have always been impressed with those who can stay married to their spouse after adultery—it is a perfect testimony of their love and humility! 

1 Corinthians 7:10-15

10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. 12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.

The basic idea:  A wife must not separate from her husband.  Why?  Because it represents God’s forgiveness and restoration.  She might win her husband back to Christ with her patience and fortitude—that’s true humility!  And this is definitely true, men, if the situation is reversed. 

But if she does divorce…if the husband does something that is so repulsive that she just can’t get herself to stay with him, than she may separate from him, but then remain unmarried.  The whole point is that if you ever separate from your spouse, you do so with the whole goal of one day reuniting with them!  Whoa, does that go against our secular, and even modern-Christian thinking.

This passage also gives a second “allowance” for divorce.  The Bible is clear that if we are a Christian, we are NEVER to marry a non-Christian, or EVEN someone who does not hold their faith as a priority.  BUT, if you are already married to a non-believer, we are to remain with that non-believer if they are willing to stay together.  If they say “No, I want out”, then we are to let them.  I DO believe, by the way, that God allows remarriage for these situations.

One more thing important to note:  Women initiate divorce 2 out of 3 times.  Yes, this is definitely influenced by men’s loose lifestyles and their willingness to engage in sin (that’s another whole message!)  BUT it also shows that woman have adopted the “I deserve more” attitude, instead of humbling themselves before the Lord, and saying “For your glory, I will overcome this obstacle—I will do my best to win my husband back to you!”

There are a lot of Myths about Divorce:

• People feel that because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages.  But this is False – the divorce rate is even higher on subsequent marriages.
• Some think living together before marriage reduces the chances of divorce.  But the reality is those willing to live together, are also those more likely to choose divorce.
• Some think Children do not have long lasting emotional repercussions from Divorce—OR even that when parents don’t get along, the children are better off with divorced parents than fighting parents.  But studies have shown that most kids have far MORE emotional repercussions from the divorce, then just staying with parents who argue regularly.  Kids of divorced parents don’t learn from it—rather they are twice as likely to divorce themselves!   

God’s Picture of a Family is Best

We must understand the impact of what this is saying:  To deviate from God’s plan will only lead to MORE hurt

In most cases divorce is extremely selfish—the self is more important than the other person or the kids.  Jesus told us that there was no greater love than the one who laid down their life for a friend—to divorce is to say “my happiness is more important.”  We need to make the choice RIGHT NOW that marriage is forever no matter what!  If you go into marriage with even the slightest possibility of divorce, it will happen!  You will no doubt have the best AND worst of times in marriage.  Expect it and prepare your mind for it. 

Remember, the goal is to go from here forward, aligning our life up with the scriptures.  For those on their second or third marriage, don’t divorce them to go to your original spouse--instead stay true to them.  Please choose now to say that I will keep that promise I make to my spouse “to love and to hold, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do we part.” 

Treasure God’s picture of a family!  See it as a gift and God’s blessing in your life.  Is our concept of our marriage based off our Spouse as an incredible gift?  If so, then when troubles arise there will be plenty of room for one another even when we mess up.  We will be able to Forgive and forbear with each other We will be grateful for one another. Our focus will NOT be on communicating our disappointment when our expectations are not met, rather a flowing of the gratitude of God.

Strive to say:  “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”    Joshua 24:13b