When My Spouse Lets Me Down

What do I do When My Spouse Lets Me Down?

(this topic was part of our Marriage & Family Series, on 7-14-13)

Often counselors and pastors hear from Women:  “I just can’t give any more.”

Often men say “She just keeps changing and is not the woman I married!”

Heartache in marriage is expected; it comes along with the real joys marriage can bring as well.  Our spouse will fail—expect it in an understanding way.  When couples say they have troubles, and are close to breaking up, I think there are 3 questions that need to be asked.  

Three questions That Can Transform your Marriage

ü  Do you believe that there is a God?

ü  Are you willing to apply the principles of God's Word to your life?

ü  Will you pray for the Spirit of God to strengthen you and your spouse?

If the answer to those three questions are truly “Yes” for both partners, than we can say that God will absolutely save their marriage.  Troubled marriages are often not redeemable because they can’t say yes to one of the above statements. 

Here are several things to keep in mind when your spouse lets you down.

1.      Choose to love them, first and foremost

You know you have faults, and have messed up before.  Expect that they will too, and love them through it.  Hold your Relationship more dear than the issue!  We argue to the point we want to be right, not reconciled/  Keep in mind that you still need to love each other.  Sometimes loving them is letting them be right!

2.      Choose to Forgive them

“Forgive and Forget” is a well-worn phrase, and probably doesn’t mean much to many people.  It is definitely easier to say than to practice.  If you are married, without a doubt there has been times your spouse said or done something that wounded you.  I KNOW I have wounded my spouse many times.  And I know each time she has to build up a callous there that is almost impossible to remove. 

We need to choose to forgive our spouse BEFORE we even talk to them about it!  To be married “til death do us part” means we will have to forgive them many times!  Forgiveness means we give up the right to punish our spouse.  Know the value of “advance forgiveness”—choosing ahead of time that I will forgive her no matter what.  That kind of unconditional forgiveness is supernatural—it comes from the power of the Holy Spirit.

3. Deal with Your Emotions

Handle your Negative Emotions Responsibly.  When we act emotionally, we often say things that we very much later regret.  Sometimes we need to delay the conversation for later.  Respect the need to “take five,”  to take a few minutes break to collect our thoughts. 

4.      Choose to be Responsible for your Spouse

This does not mean to be the police for them.  Nor does it mean to just catch them messing up and point it out.  Too many spouses are ready to pounce!  That is NOT love.  Rather, it is to say “I choose to take it on myself to help my spouse and do what I can to help them succeed.”  We will mess up!  Don’t be so surprised.  See our lives as an ongoing battle and strive to work through it together.

5. Discuss it!

Don’t start without your spouse!  Come up with a designated time to discuss any issues.  Ask THEM when they would like to talk.

Deal with One Issue at a Time. 

For example:  A husband goes to a doctor and says, “Every time my wife and I get into a fight, she gets historical.” 

“Don’t you mean hysterical?” asked the doctor. 

“No,“ he replied. “I prefer hysterical. That’s momentary. She gets historical. She reminds me of everything I ever did wrong.”

We like to use “the guilt” card!  It is an evil weapon.  We tend to launch into a long list of offenses—don’t!  It means you have not forgiven when you should have.

Give each other time to talk.  Most of the time our perspective is wrong, or just different.  We don’t even try to gain their perspective on the matter.  Repeat what they are saying back to them, so as to show (and make sure) you are really hearing what they are saying.

Listen to what they say!  Have you ever walked up to someone at an event, and as you begin talking, he or she nods and makes polite sounds, but is clearly elsewhere in spirit? He scans the crowd while he's standing with you. Or she peeks around your shoulder as if to say, "I wonder who else is here." It's chilling to be on the receiving end of such treatment. It's bad enough when it occurs at a social or business gathering, but it can be devastating in a marriage.  Look them in the eye, repeat what they said, and what they really mean.  Try to have some NONE multi-tasking time—focus on them.

6. Be Appreciative

"Thank you."-- Two words spouses don't hear often enough––from one another:

"Thank you for being my love."

"Thank you for working so hard for our family."

"Thank you for supporting me."

"Thank you for being you."

Gratitude is not an option. It's actually God's will.   As the apostle Paul reminds us in 1 Thes. 5:16-18, ". . . give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  Resentment and judgment cannot exist in the same space with appreciation.

7. Sincerely pray for them daily!

More than just a “I hope they have a good day.”  Instead, “Lord, I pray for their heart, that they are relieved from that particularly issue going on.  Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves (Romans 12:10).