Desiring Your Spouse

6-16-13

Introduction to the Series
Today we are beginning a five-part Series on a “Biblical Marriage & Family.”
I encourage all of you concerning this series:

• Listen to all of them …in person or online.
• Talk about all of them with your spouse. Even if it is as simple as: “What did you think about the message?” “What caught your attention the most?”
• Have SOME sort of response . The goal is to make some positive change in your life or marriage!
• Fight the urge to say: oh, that doesn’t apply to me . Please know that I acknowledge that there is no way I can say what is perfectly needed for each marriage. But I DO know that the scriptures have all we need to know in order to have healthy marriages. Instead, ask the Holy Spirit, “Is my lifestyle and marriage in line with Your Word?
• Lastly, and most importantly, know that Christ is still the answer! I have a lot of great ideas to give you, but nothing I will say will help or save your marriage apart from Christ. Nothing you can “do” in your marriage will ever work apart from YOUR personal relationship with Christ!

Introduction Today
In this series, I want to start with the idea of “Desiring your spouse.” That desire for each other is what starts off a marriage, that leads to a life-long relationship, that leads to a family…. Thus it makes sense that the beautiful picture of a loving and romantic relationship is a great place to start!
The Problem
Romantic comedies are really popular today. But frankly most of them should be repulsive to the lifestyle-believer! I remember going to see “You’ve Got Mail” years ago in the theater. I don’t know why I was particularly sensitive at the time, but I was very put off by the movie. The whole story line is about two couples just living with their partners, and all the while falling in love with someone else. What is so funny about that?! Our society, and even often our “Christian culture” does not understand what the loving marital relationship was meant to be. The first step is to recognize that!

Let’s go to Song of Solomon (sometimes called Song of Songs) 1:1-11.
This is a great book on the ‘romantic relationship formation’. The poetry takes the form of a dialogue between a husband and his wife. In a sense we are reading a very intimate and personal journal between Solomon and his wife.
One key Phrase of the book, is actually stated 3 times: 2:7; 3:5; 8:4 - “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” In other words, romantic love is real, and it is important, so important we should wait for it, and then when it comes, we should cherish it! But it also shows love as a “desire” that we were meant to have!
The book starts off in a courting relationship, but gives us more about our romantic relationship with our spouse than any other passage. I want to challenge you to see how the Holy Spirit can make new AND older marriages into the passionate relationships they were intended to be.
Please Note: We are going to take this book literally. …

• Yes, we can see some similarities in the book with Christ’s love for His bride—the church
• BUT, it was intended to be an account of marriage—about the love between a man and a women
• It makes sense to dedicate a whole book to this, sense marriage was meant to be God’s primary institution for mankind. 

1 Solomon's Song of Songs.
Beloved
2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth-- for your love is more delightful than wine. 3 Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the maidens love you!
Friends
4 Take me away with you--let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers. We rejoice and delight in you; we will praise your love more than wine. How right they are to adore you!
*Beloved
5 Dark am I, yet lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, dark like the tents of Kedar, like the tent curtains of Solomon. 6 Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun. My mother's sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I have neglected. 7 Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday. Why should I be like a veiled woman beside the flocks of your friends?
*Friends
8 If you do not know, most beautiful of women, follow the tracks of the sheep and graze your young goats by the tents of the shepherds.
Lover
9 I liken you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh. 10 Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels. 11 We will make you earrings of gold, studded with silver.

Let’s talk about just a few things we get out of this Passage about Desire for a Spouse.

1. Love is Intoxicating
In verse 2 she says “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine.” In other words love is intoxicating! She yearns to have intimacy with him. It is something we naturally desire, and can make us feel like nothing else can! The romantic and intimate desire is good! I use to think only blind love, or even Lust, was intoxicating…but I was wrong! This romantic love is powerful and important.
In 8:6-7, it says “Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.” 

2. True Love is Exclusive
In our society, it needs to be pointed out that this passage is ‘one for one.’ One woman, and one man, who desire each other for one lifetime. Desire says “I want you”—exclusivity says, “I want only you.” We have heard the phrase “I have eyes only for you”—It should be true!
That “unique value” that only one person should have in our eyes is what increases our desire for them, when we can say only they will satisfy my romantic desire.
Proverbs 5:18-19 says, “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.” We were meant to romantically love that one person forever! 

3. Insecurity Threatens Exclusivity
In verse 5, ‘the Beloved’ lady says “Dark I am but lovely, oh daughters of Jerusalem…” She wants him to love her despite her short-comings. We all have insecurities, but especially women. For example, notice what happens when someone brings out a camera. The young men often jump up and flex their muscles, while the women usually turn “Oh, I didn’t put on all of my makeup today!” So what is Exclusivities’ response to Insecurity? 

4. Exclusivity Focuses their Love with Affirmation
To fight insecurity in both spouses, we need to regularly affirm them! Solomon in the passage compares his wife to the beauty of horses. Now men, I don’t suggest you go home and write a card or poem comparing your wife to a horse! But in that time, and in that context it was an expression of importance. The leader’s horse would be a white mayer, and that mayor’s beauty would stand out. It would show exclusivity to the leader.

Men, WE need to SET the standard of beauty in our home: It should be our wife! Do we praise her in private AND in public? My wife and I just had our 8 ^th anniversary. I made a list of some of the things I loved about her. For instance, I love her adventurous culinary spirit; I love how she loves our son…and wants him to be all boy (even with two older very girly sisters); and I love how she takes our girls on adventures, without leaving the house. I want everyone to know And guys, Remember, It’s not just the words we say, but how we say it

What about you women, do we praise our men in public? Instead of perhaps telling your girlfriends what annoys you about him, do you instead praise him and his efforts?
Solomon doesn’t stop with words; he starts making her things, buying her things. We need to know our spouses languages of love, AND their struggles


There are numerous other truths that come out through books such as this, which are important to understand in a healthy relationship. What I want to focus the rest of our time on is this truth:
Men are meant to Initiate, Women to Respond.
Read that again. Men are meant to Initiate…Women are meant to respond. We were created that way. But it has become backwards in our society. I see dating relationships where the whole time the women is initiating, asking him out on dates, etc. This thinking has a major part to play in the malfunction of our intimacy.

Often in marriages, it gets to the point when both people are waiting for the other to initiate intimacy…and thus intimacy is almost non-existent. Either that or it or the Initiate/Respond pattern is backwards. How does this happen? First of all, Society teaches it! Movies, books, and most of the women’s rights movements tell women “Women, you are powerful and should make sure you man knows it.” Or that “Women should be in charge of the relationship building too!” Please recognize this lie and guard from it in our hearts.

Secondly this confusion happens because men don’t actually initiate intimacy emotionally BEFORE they initiate it physically. And Thirdly, it comes when HE strives to initiate it, and the woman doesn’t respond.



So I want to ask the question, how can we be “Initiating Men” and “Responding Women”?
Let me ask you, what in your life do you love to learn about? A Sports team, a leisure sport, wood working, video games, computer technology, the news, etc. We often look forward to any opportunity we get to learn. But there are other things in life we are not so keen to learn about, but we do anyway—maybe something for work…or fixing something at home…

What is the difference? Passion! We have a passion for some things, and not for others.
Men, when we date, that woman typically becomes a primary passion in our lives! We might even miss a big game, or sleep, just to spend more time with her. But then of course, we get married. We’ve won the prize—and we forget where our passions still need to lie.

First of all, let me say that God needs to be your primary passion in life—only HE can truly be your soul-mate. But he has given us the “gift” of a spouse. We are now to be “one flesh.”


Thus our passion second other to God clearly needs to be our spouse . What would other people say if they were asked what your top passions were? Without prompting would they say your spouse is at the top of the list?


Our spouses should top even our kids when it comes to passion in our lives! I love my girls, but if I don’t love Megan more, I am not loving my kids enough! Women, this is especially true for you—if you don’t love your husband more than them, you are not loving them enough).
Women, ask yourself this: do you feel more like a mother or a wife? I challenge you that the bible directs us to put our spouse first—not to neglect our kids, but rather as the way to love them the most! Men, your wife’s response to that question is partly to do with her, and MUCH to do with your treatment of her.

Initiating Men
Guys, how can we be “Initiating Men”? A woman likes AND needs to be wanted and desired. When you Desire her and pursue her, it makes her feel sexy and attractive
Men, there is one major truth we need to have branded on our hearts:
In order for romance to grow in our marriage, we must seek to touch her heart and mind before we touch her body.
Let that sink in. This can be our biggest challenge in marriage. We need to know that nothing kindles erotic romance in a marriage like a husband who truly knows and loves his wife and prioritizes that before touching her.

How do we do this? First, we must admit, that whether we have been married for 1 year or 50 years, there is much we can learn about our spouse. My dad once said: “I have been married to many women over the years…all of them named Crystal.” Men, let’s accept the fact, and even celebrate it, that our wives will change—their passions will even constantly change. We must never get tired of learning about her!
I once heard that as a husband our job is to be a Student and a Planner.

We are always to be Student of our wife. Ask yourself if you know about your wife in all areas of her life? Could you speak intelligently about her desires concerning:

• clothing styles, sizes, and stores
• movies, books, and magazines
• exercise goals
• the arts and entertainment
• sports she does and does not enjoy
• food likes and aversions
• vacations and places she wants to see
• music
• intellectual interests
• hobbies
• and, of course, sex

But MORE even than that: Do you know how your wife is doing in her:

• practice of the spiritual disciplines
• understanding of theological knowledge (God)
• growth in godliness
• spiritual gifts that can be used to serve others
• involvement in the local church
• her relationship with each of her children
• her relationship with parents and in-laws
• her relationship with friends
• personal retreats
• her hopes and dreams
• her fears and personal disappointments
• her temptations

Whoa, Eric, that is asking a lot! Yes it is. It is a challenge for all of us for a lifetime!
It shows that we need to focus on paying attention to her regularly. We so easily zone out, but make it a point to listen attentively.
Along with this, are you keeping your eyes open for ways you can help in any of these areas…places where you can take her...conversations she would enjoy….
Thus, secondly as husbands, not only do we need to be students of our wives, but we need to be Planners in our marriage. This is where most husbands fail. Once we have learned about them, do we put that info to practice? This knowledge should affect everything from where we decide to go to dinner to what conversations you pursue when together

• From encouraging her walk with God, to doing what we can to ease her fears, disappointments, and temptations.
• Romance occurs when What you know about your wife is specifically Applied!!
• It can be big things, but often it is the little stuff that matters!
• Compliment her on how she looks at random times
• Ask her if there's anything you could do for her (dishes, trash…)
• Bring her flowers out of the blue
• Take her someplace new

Husbands, I challenge you: Each week we should try to plan 3-5 specific things to romance her. This can be serving her in some way, talking about something she wants to talk about, or taking her to do something she enjoys. It can be as simple as flowers or a personal note, to plans for a date or vacation.


Responding Women
It makes sense, then, when Men initiate, Women need to respond. Now, the men need to initiate whether or not the women responds…BUT women, let me tell, you…there is nothing that will discourage your man from initiating ever again, as when you refuse to respond. Women, there is nothing more intimidating that trying to warm of a brick of ice…

1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (my underlining)
Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife,and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

First of all, we see in this passage that we are once again given the design for marriage: 
One man, One woman, One lifetime.

Secondly, even Paul recognized that the sexual union isn’t just “bonus” to a marriage, it is imperative! It is our marital “duty” to each other. Oh my does that make some women mad. “It is my ‘duty’ to have sexual intimacy with my husband?!” Yes! It is a part of the complete marriage picture God created, AS well as meeting a need that men have—a need that if not met, can tempt a man to sinfully seek that need elsewhere.

Thirdly God intended us to enjoy one another! Guys, it is natural for us to enjoy our woman. (It is Satan’s perversion that can steer this desire away from our spouse.) Women…you also were meant to enjoy your spouse. From what I hear, many women don’t believe it. A women’s speaker I heard once, explained how when she brings up the topic to women of ‘enjoying your husband sexually’ she get mixed responses, from giggles to outright distain. Some wives see sexual intimacy as just a chore to do, and others see it as yet another time when she feels only treated like an object…and understandably so. But it can’t be an excuse.

Women, you need to believe that God meant us to have a strong sexual union AND enjoyment! IF you don’t believe it, it will only destroy your relationship with your Husband—and that is exactly what Satan wants.

I am not ashamed to emphasis that BOTH men and women NEED the sexual union, but yes, especially guys need it! Women, there is a word picture that can help you better understand your husband’s need (and I got this from that same woman speaker):

Imagine if your husband was your only source for physical food, which you of course not only Want, but you need. However, let’s say, every time you went to him for food he would reply, “Not now…I’m too tired…I have a headache…I don’t feel like it.” After a while your hunger would consume you, you would grow very bitter towards him, and eventually would go looking for food elsewhere.

Wives, do you really expect that if you keep him from an active sex life, that he will then just stay pure, and not desire it anymore? That is like men saying to wives, I know you need love and emotional stability, but I am not going to give it to you, but eventually you will get over it. Oh, and I expect of course you will also stay pure and not look for emotional love somewhere else.
Some women think of the sexual drive in men as so shallow. They see them as acting like animal or a machine. Would God really make a healthy Godly man to need physical contact so often? The answer is a resounding YES! The proof is in the 1 Corinthians passage above.

Sexually Regular Lives
SO, the question needs to be asked: How often should you be having sex? Stats do show us that the number of times per week goes down as you get old. But the stats don’t tell us why. Is it all due to a lack of desire...or lack of commitment to God’s commanded sexual union?
I remember hearing years ago how Dr. Dobson used to council couples that sexual intimacy should happen at least 2-3 times per week. And it is suggested that if it is not happening that often, something is wrong in your relationship. Many wives instantly kick back and say, “No, I don’t think that is true.”

Let me ask you women, how often do you think the ‘ideal husband’ should meet your emotional needs per week? How often should he show you he loves you? How often is healthy enough for you? Weekly? Daily? Women usually then respond “Well, I can show Love for him daily, in other ways OTHER than sex. And you are Very right, but the goal is to speak to him through his love language, NOT to dictate what that love language is. You wouldn’t want him doing that for you

So those 3-5 times a week you should seek to actively love him , give him options. Perhaps ask him, “Would you rather I sit and watch the game with you…or would you rather I slip on something sexy?” (To which your husband’s respond…BOTH!) And then I can just imagine the busy wives saying, “Would you rather me feed your children and clean your house…or have sex (as IF one excluded the other). To which the men reply… “I’ll bring home Chic-fil-a, and a movie from Red Box for the kids!”

Wives, for men it often seems so dishonorable to just come out and ask for sexual intimacy—as if they are asking for something unreasonable. Some finally get to the point in which they have to just come right out and ask for more, because they know they need it, and the wife isn’t getting it.

Do the honorable thing, wives: dare to ask your men how often they want (or need) sexual intimacy. If they honestly don’t want more, than that is fine. But ask them! Wives, you WANT your man to desire you. (If not, than there is something else wrong in your marriage.) Why do so many wives then discourage sex?

And PLEASE…don’t just go home and say, clearly Pastor Eric is addicted to sex! Many churches have done a 30-day Sex challenge—some sort of intimacy EVERY DAY! If you want to take up that challenge, than great!

Finally, here are just a few things in which you can Keep Our Romance Alive?
1. Keep dating! At least once a month. And remember that the little things matter (opening doors, looking directly into their eyes, leaving them notes before and after the date, etc.)
2. Make yourself attractive! Try to look good for your spouse. It’s not just for nothing. It can include big things like working out (try it together!), to little things like a touch of make-up, or not wearing those same old beaten up clothes around the house.
3. Keep learning about them! Learn their love language, and then speak it! And keep in mind the particulars may change from time to time.
4. Do things Daily! Once a month just won’t work…it’s got to be the little things every day!